chronic illness · chronic pain · crps · writings

small victories, small losses

Accomplishments aren’t always big.

It’s not always running 26.2 miles or hiking a mountain or even writing a book. It’s often one small moment in time or a hurdle that others wouldn’t think so daunting. It’s pretty incredible when we place ourselves in someone’s proverbial shoes and see what you might breeze through but truly challenges someone else…and the magnitude of the moment when THEY achieve it.

Much of life is small moments.  
Small victories and small losses. The size doesn’t really matter as much as the meaning. The journey to get there and the journey after.

The other night I made myself put on my tightest skinny jeans and practiced tolerating them while ALSO weight bearing on both feet.

This “feat” is nothing that big or really that incredible in the grand scheme of things. It’s something many people do every day all day. It’s something I DID every day all day, in my “before” life.

I wore the skinny jeans for 10 long minutes while trying to even balance on my feet, my brain longing to shift my weight to my right and rip the pants off which felt like an electric denim boa constrictor. I have a patented flamingo stance to avoid weight bearing and the subsequent pain but being comfortable isn’t always what’s best. I knew I had to stand there, stay calm, and just be as the clock ticked. I had to take small breaks with standing but just kept placing my foot down after each small break.

This is no “great” achievement.

It was a small moment in a long day but it mattered to me. As I stood there, eyes clenched, breathing slow and deep I remembered when this wasn’t even a task, that the concept of clothes REALLY hurting would be crazy to me. I wondered what it would take to get back there. Would I ever even get there again?

I may not in all honesty.

I think we all strive to accomplish our dreams and goals but I think there’s also bravery in admitting that you may never achieve certain things even though you will do your best to get there. All we can each do is be in these moments, sitting with our desire, hope and fears.

So tonight do something small, some goal that matters to you and you alone and then be present in what it feels like.

Don’t focus on the end and even whether you fully achieve it. Just be fully aware of your intention and the vulnerability it even takes to set your mind and heart to do something. Maybe you will do it and maybe tonight you won’t.

Small victories, small losses.


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