writings

I don’t know why

I have stared at this screen for hours, hands on keys, trying to somehow write what is happening in my life.

I have typed and deleted, typed and deleted, and then typed again. Sometimes I cry when I am writing. Sometimes I don’t.

One of my Lyme tests was positive. I am no longer in remission.

It’s been a double punch to the gut, like being pushed and tripped all at once.

I have never been so frightened.

I’m in a lot of pain and yet none of it even touches how emotionally devastated I feel.

I’m scared I’m scared I’m scared.

That being said, I know that at least there is an answer, a reason for why things have taken a sharp turn downwards since October. Perhaps a reason for the many CRPS spreads. Certainly a reason as to why I still have some joint pain, random weeks of non stop daily headaches, my lips going numb for hours, and other weird things that still seem to plague my body with no clear cut answer.

My main focus for now is to get my body ready for Lyme treatment. I am FINALLY up to the therapeutic dosage for my mold issues and I assume that sometime soon I will stop mold treatment and begin a few antibiotics which means I may have some herxheimer reactions which will increase my pain and symptoms like joint pain. I need to be ready for this.

I need to be prepared emotionally and physically and as much as I doubt my strength, I know I can do this.

I did it for several years and I can do it again.

I don’t understand why I keep getting worse and some days I don’t think its for me to understand.

I just have to survive this and I will do anything I can to do so.

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