anorexia · body image · chronic illness · eating disorders · mental health · writings

This body is a lesson

I’ve been 152 lbs and I’ve been 93lbs and all kinds of weights in between. I’ve had a body strong enough to run a half marathon and bust out a 6:47 mile on 93 degree day. I’ve had a body so weak and in pain my husband had to help me get dressed and then carry me to the car day after day. My current body is one I never dreamed of.

I’m not sure anyone can ever be prepared to be sick and in this much consistent pain, to lose so much so quickly. 

I used to shame myself that I had this 20 year struggle with my eating disorder and then also became chronically ill. It would feel like these continual struggles with my body was surely a sign of how crappy I am. It’s taken some time, some meditation, and (thank you universe) meeting others who have also had eating disorders AND chronic illness to slowly shake off this faulty thinking. I needed to learn that one doesn’t negate the other nor are either proof that “I don’t belong here”.

Pain and suffering are random occurrences, not punishment or revenge.

I’ve had a million different bodies in the past 33 years, and I have slowly come to understand that none of these bodies were 100% good or 100% bad. My body has never been completely perfect or completely flawed. My body is just a vessel and no matter how much emotional or physical suffering it has brought me, I understand that my body above all else is just trying to exist.

These “adventures in owning a body” aren’t always easy or fun but every year I learn to appreciate my body in a new way and to forgive myself over and over and over. 

This body is a gift, a curse, a challenge, and most of all a map to always find my way back to my heart. I used to only think of my body in black and white terms but I see now that my body exists in the unending murky grey.

This body is a lesson and oh life I am trying to listen and learn.

One thought on “This body is a lesson

  1. I love this post. Thanks for being so raw and honest. Thanks to medication side effects, illnesses, and more, I’ve been all over the weight spectrum too. I’ve also been strong and absolutely weak. This is really relatable.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *