I am eating potato chips for dinner.
I wish I could say its because I am just feeling like “being bad” but its mainly because my nausea is rough today and the only thing my body seems to ever tolerate during these lovely hours of nausea and vomiting is crunchy crumbly salty carbs. The potato chips go really well with the Ritz crackers I had for brunch. 😉
My diet looks awful on paper but hey my chronic nasuea is the boss and I eat what I can when I can.
As I sit here eating chips and wishing my pain would go down while wiping my right hand on my sweatpants so my keyboard doesn’t get too greasy, I realize that I have FINALLY gotten my brain to think “different”.
Instead of getting mad that I have barely eaten today and I haven’t felt well since Saturday when I was discharged from the hospital, I just mainly feel grateful.
I am grateful that potato chips are something I CAN eat.
I am grateful I haven’t thrown up today.
I am grateful Sean was home today and could get me something to eat.
I am grateful that these daily headaches haven’t turned into migraines.
I am grateful that I have pain medication to take since my pain has been cranking up as the week goes on.
I am grateful I have a TV so I can binge watch all 7 seasons of True Blood.
I am grateful it finally stopped raining and summer is finally here.
The list goes on and on.
When you are depressed it is so easy to slip into Negative Nancy mode. Your brain can only see the bad. Your heart is too heavy to acknowledge the good or even the mediocre. You KNOW there’s good and happy things in your life and in the world but it just becomes so very hard to see it.
You feel bitter and scared and lonely and dark and why should you take the time to search for the light when nothing feels good and nothing feels right?
Since last spring I have tried to really notice and voice the things I am grateful for.
It can be something small. It can be something fairly insignificant. I HAVE to every day notice the good, notice the lucky, notice anything and everything that makes me remember that I lead a good life that is worthy of being celebrated.
It has taken some time but as of late I can see that it really has become a habit for me to complain or feel down in the dumps but immediately follow it up with a statement of “but I have this…” or “but I also know this thing in my life is good because…”
I can finally see my wheelchair and instead of feeling depressed for the next hour or on the verge of tears, I can say “Well some people can’t get out of their wheelchairs and at least I can get out of mine and use my walker” or “I’m so grateful that dumb thing allows me to leave the house”
I made a series of videos posted on instagram during my 2nd ketamine infusion last week. When I watched them all after I came home, I noticed how often in each I stated that though I wasn’t having a pleasant experience I was SO grateful to be there.
The first one I made I was REALLY out of it. I was pretty upset because I had been vomiting bile alone in a dark hospital room after not eating all day and I was really unsure of reality because of how ketamine can blur those lines. I had to smile watching the last bit as I made a joke about how much fun I was having…but then I stated “but Im grateful to be here”
Even whacked out of my mind and in a lot of pain and really sick to my stomach, I knew I had things to be grateful for.
Because I do.