anorexia · body image · eating disorders · mental health · writings

I remember.

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I remember:

I remember the first time I ate too much and threw up. I did it when ever I thought I had been mean to someone.
I remember the first time I held a razor in my hands and slowly dragged it across my skin. I dissacociated and woke up with 50 cuts on my hips, stomach and thighs.
I remember the 7 days at the psych ward that followed. The long nights crying because I was scared of a boy on the ward who told me he would get me alone and rape me.
I remember the first day I skipped lunch and realized I could lose weight that way. I lost 20 lbs in a month. 20 lbs I didn’t need to lose.
I remember the day all I ate was a peach and how proud I was.
I remember when I used the art supplies to cut myself and got kicked out of school.
I remember handfuls of laxatives even though I rarely ate.
I remember flying to Tulsa to an inpatient eating disorder program.
I remember the 3 months I stayed there, desperate to get out of there and faking my way through.
I was only 13.

I remember crying, burning, screaming, dying, dying, dying.
I remember my first love, and how he broke my heart. How I stopped eating again.
I remember the toilet became my best friend. My fingers stuffed down my throat, gagging and crying.
I remember how 100 lbs wasn’t enough. It was too fat. too big, too ugly. And it wasn’t.
I remember hitting 93 and wanting to be at 80.

I remember going back to the hospital. Starting my life over. Staying there for half a year.
I remember wanting life to go back to normal and having it be harder than ever.
I remember losing all my friends cause I got sober and they couldn’t/wouldn’t.
I remember struggling for the next breath, struggling for the next few years.
I remember falling back in love with anorexia, wishing I could just die or become someone else. Someone better. Someone prettier. Someone smarter.
I remember burning my arm so bad I had to go to the urgent care.
I remember when my heart started to beat too fast and I had to wear a heart monitor.
I was only 16.

I remember getting well.
I remember fighting with all my heart.
I remember getting into college and being terrified i would fail at recovery.
I remember slipping back and crawling forward.
I remember purging my way through my senior year of college because of a broken heart.
I remember gaining a lot of weight because recovery to me at that time meant eating junk and never exercising.

I remember getting healthier and finding a more balanced relationship with food.
I remember marveling at my body as it ran and ran and ran.
I remember feeling more centered even if I still worried and obsessed and felt big.
I remember eating food Sean made us for dinner and feeling loved.

I remember Sean’s mom dying and starving myself every day at the hospital.
I remember getting sick with Lyme and losing my appetite.
I remember the weight falling off.
I remember feeling lesser than everyone but “at least I was thin”.
I remember hitting 111 lbs and realizing I had to get real with myself.
I remember the hard dance of wanting to take care of my body and really hating the small amount of weight I’ve gained.

I remember that this is my journey and I can make it what I want.

I remember.

9 thoughts on “I remember.

  1. Oh Miss G,
    I knew you had had a rough time on and off down through the years but this post made me even more proud of what you have overcome through sheer strength of will. It seems so unfair that after all your struggle and hard work to regain your balance that you have been knocked back by your latest health issues. You are my personal inspiration! Big Hugs!! Mom N.

  2. Expressing your journey, which is such a nightmare for you, could one day help a desperate young girl by letting her know that she is not alone and there is hope. Thank you for sharing. You are a warrior. Keep fighting until you reach the top!

  3. WOW!!! I never knew any of this. You are an inspiration my lady. Please keep sharing you never know who might need to hear these words.

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